


Pagan Poetry

by ArielClayhands



Category: Midsommar (2019)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-03-31
Updated: 2020-03-31
Packaged: 2021-02-28 23:29:00
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,186
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23405314
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ArielClayhands/pseuds/ArielClayhands
Summary: After the ritual, Dani's journey continues as she unfolds Hårga and its way of life. Could this be home?
Relationships: Dani Ardor/Pelle (Midsommar)
Kudos: 16





	Pagan Poetry

**Author's Note:**

> English is not my first language, so please "bear" with me ;)

It feels like she is opening her eyes for the first time. 

She can’t recognize where she is. The ceiling is covered in beautiful illustrations, as if it was made of pages from a book. She acknowledges the presence of people around her, maybe too many people, but can’t recognize their faces or their voices. She can’t tell if it’s a dream – maybe she can’t tell reality from a dream now. Maybe she should close her eyes again. 

-Dani? Are you awake? 

She hears a familiar voice, a soft, male voice that grounds her and makes her feel safe. “I recognize this” – she thinks to herself, and she starts to gather the strength to sit up straight. 

-What time is it? – Dani asks, still picking up shards of painful memories in her own mind: her parents and her sister were gone. She was in Sweden. She had a boyfriend, her boyfriend was not there. It was summer. She was queen. There was fire.  
-It’s… 7pm. – Dani’s thoughts are interrupted by the familiar voice that said her name before. She looks to her left side and there is a man sitting in a chair next to her bed. Pelle. His name is Pelle. She plays with his name on her lips and on her tongue.  
-Pelle… - she remembers now. It was in the afternoon. There was a big fire. And she was being swallowed by flowers. People were screaming in pain and despair. Christian was a wolf – no, a bear! And then he burned. It was awesome. Why was it awesome? She was tired and they pulled her out from that pile of flowers. There were fairies, or were they women? They carried her to her bed. She couldn’t remember lying down. Did she dream this? Did it happen? – It sure feels like I’ve been sleeping much longer than that.  
Pelle chuckles as he explains:  
-Well, it’s the next day… so…

Dani opens her eyes and shakes her head in disbelief, and it makes Pelle laugh out loud. Dani recognizes one of the fairies walking past her bed – it is actually a woman named Hannah, and she is also laughing. Dani recalls dancing with Hannah. Dancing felt good.  
Reality reaches Dani in waves. There was a festival, a midsummer festival. There were rituals, old people fell from a cliff. Pelle gave her a drawing. Pelle kissed her. She was scared but then she felt powerful. People died, except for her. Christian died. Christian had sex with a teenage girl. Dani decided Christian should die. Christian was dead. “Do I miss him?” – she doesn’t. Maybe she should feel scared of herself. Maybe she should fear for her own life.  
She stares blankly at nowhere as she tries to process all this information. She can feel Pelle’s eyes on her and she tells herself she shouldn’t feel so comfortable around him. She rubs her eyes and asks him, sheepishly:

-Have you been watching me? Like, this whole time?  
-Well – Pelle squints his eyes, mischievously – only since that conversation we had, when you said you were coming to Hårga. 

Dani can’t help but blush and stutter, not sure if he is joking.  
-No, I-I mean…h-have you been watching me sleep?  
-Oh, I just came to check on you every now and then – Pelle smiles, trying not to look embarrassed.  
-Every five minutes – by the time she finishes saying these words, Hannah is already too far to hear Pelle’s answer.  
-No, that… that is not true. I -did- check on you often, though. It’s been a rough journey… I mean, this journey has been rough on you. I want to make sure you don’t feel any more stressed than you already are. 

It is all very real to her now. Every single thing that happened since she opened the e-mails from Terri. She does not know how to feel. Maybe it would be better if she died, too.  
Dani sighs and stares blankly at nowhere again.  
-ok…what now?  
-Well, you missed the best food in the whole festival, the kids’ games… there will be no more events today, so you can…  
Pelle looks at Dani and realizes she has streams of tears running down her cheeks. He tries to touch her hand, but she violently pulls her hand in, close to her body. He seems heartbroken by her response.  
-I understand if you don’t want to talk right now…  
-No, you… are you kidding me? What do you understand? I… - Dani breaks down, shuddering – I just… lost… EVERYTHING! EVERYONE’S DEAD!! You… you killed everyone!! I killed… I killed my boyfriend! I killed Christian!! I am a killer! Just yesterday I was, I was… I would never hurt anyone and now Christian is dead and I… I KILLED him, oh my God!!! 

The Hårgas start gathering around her bed and she feels panic building up inside her. The last thing she needs now is to have dozens of people screaming and crying around her. She feels smothered and angry.  
Much to her surprise, the Hårgas remain silent and they just sit down on the floor, staring tenderly at her. Some women have tears in their eyes and on their cheeks and chin, but nobody says a word. 

Dagny is the first to break the silence, saying sweetly the same words she did when Dani was crowned May Queen:  
-Vi älskar dig.

Dani looks at her as if she recognizes the words, but can’t quite grasp their meaning… yet.  
She watches as Pelle thanks Dagny and whispers something that makes her give up on saying anything else.

-What did you tell her?  
-I told her to leave you be for a while. - Pelle is still sitting beside her. He looks very worried and even ashamed. She wants him to feel ashamed, because she feels ashamed. She suddenly feels like there is a lump in her throat. She can’t breathe.  
-I need to get some air. Now! I need to be alone. I need to leave this place. Oh God, I just… Why didn’t you kill me too??? WHY??? 

She stares at the door and feels her lungs fill with fresh air as she sees a woman enter the house, her pace slow and her presence warm and comforting. She looks quite regal in her embroidered linen dress and a braided crown of ash blond hair around her head. She knows this woman, too. She knows this woman is something like a priestess, her name is Siv. She is a Hårgan – a Hårga. She feels like a child who just threw a tantrum. Once again, Dani wonders why she feels so safe around these people. Maybe she is just like them: an insane murderer. 

Siv’s voice brings Dani back from the spiral of conflicting thoughts.  
-I see our queen is now awake. Dani, do you care to come with me now?  
-I… I need to be alone. Please – her voice is almost a whisper.  
-Please, Dani. I know how overwhelming it must be. I think we owe you some… explanation? Come with me to my house and I will gladly answer all your questions.  
-Are you going to kill me? 

The Hårgas seem shocked and devastated at what Dani says. Some of them are translating the conversation to Hårgas who can’t speak English. Some of them shake their heads.  
Siv breathes in and out deeply before she answers Dani. Her eyes are overflowing with sadness.  
-There will be no more human sacrifices this Midsommar, May Queen. Also, you get to be our queen for the whole year, and you’ll be celebrated for that… it’s about time we talked…  
Dagny and Hannah offer Dani some water. She never saw them stand up to get anything, they just appeared by her side, like fairies.  
-No, what’s in this?  
-Just water, my sister…  
-Dricksvatten!! – Dagny really wants Dani to trust her, and Dani’s heart melt when she smiles.  
-It’s just drinking water, Dani. – Pelle tries to reassure her.  
-How can I know for sure? – As Dani finishes her sentence, Hannah takes a sip and offers the glass to Dani again. Dani drinks it, suddenly realizing how thirsty she is. She hands the glass back to Hannah, who then touches Dani’s shoulder and her own heart with the other hand. 

Dani looks around to find all the Hårgas in the house are on their knees, touching their chests with their right hand and reaching the palm of their left hand out to her. They are humming what seems to be a lullaby. 

-Pelle – Dani whispers – Pelle, what are they doing?  
-We are trying to make you feel loved and safe here with us.  
-Pelle, do you mind walking Dani to my house when she feels ready? I’m taking the women out for the last duties of the day. – Siv leaves with a smile on her face, and the women slowly stand up, one by one, leaving the house.  
Eventually, everyone leaves, except Pelle. She notices that even the babies have vanished.  
-Why did they all leave? Where did everyone go?  
-They left so you can have the space you asked for. You are very important to us, Dani. We want you to feel welcome and safe, you are home now. This is home.

Dani scoffs at the word "home", but she regrets it immediatly as it makes her feel even more like a stubborn child. She -does- feel loved and welcome, even safe: that's what scares her the most. She is now crying again, but she's no longer desperate: she is just sinking into her own sadness and the realization of everything that happened.  
Pelle sits next to her on her bed, just like when they had that conversation about Christian. He puts his right arm around her shoulders and holds her hand with his left hand.  
His smell is soothing and the warmth coming from his body is comforting. She allows herself to relax. 

-Hey, Pelle...  
-Hm?  
-Why did you stay? Why didn't you leave like the others?  
-Well, I... I brought you here, didn't I? I am responsible for your... how do I say this... fo your well-being, for making you feel comfortable.

As he says these words, Dani buries her face in his neck and starts whimpering. She is really confused. Pelle starts rocking her gently. When he touches her knee, Dani notices she is wearing the linen nightgown the Hårga women wear to sleep. 

-Come on, you can put your legs on my lap. Let me hold you. 

These words take Dani back to the day Pelle persuaded her not to leave Hårga. 

"Do you feel held by him?"

Pelle seemed to truly care about her. Back then, she felt a little uneasy. Pelle was holding her hand and his eyes were locked on hers. She remembers how warm his hands felt around her own hands. She remembers feeling seen and heard for the first time in years. She remembers noticing how good his hair smelled. She remembers how good his lips tasted; how her whole body tingled as he took her face in his hands and drank from her mouth, how it felt so pure and so sensuous at the same time. She was inebriated. Intoxicated. The memories seem to awaken butterflies in her stomach. 

But she can't allow herself to feel any comfort, joy or pleasure. Not when everyone's dead. Not when she's a killer, not when Pelle's a killer.  
She can't lose control, she can't let him win.

-You don't need to do that, I'm not a child - she says, more to herself than to him. She frees herself from his embrace and stands up, legs wobbly. She tries to keep a safe distance. - I am going to meet Siv now. You can... go. Yeah.  
-No, I can take you there! Just...  
-I'm fine, I can walk on my own. Ok? I'm fine - Dani starts making her way towards the door, unhesitatingly.  
-Dani, maybe you shouldn't... 

At the sound of these words, Dani turns to Pelle, visibly annoyed.  
-I said I'm fine, ok, Pelle? I don't need to be looked after, thank you very much. You don't...  
-Ok, but maybe - and he smiles as though he is really enjoying himself - maybe you'd feel more comfortable if you were wearing actual clothes, perhaps...? 

Dani blushes and looks down, acknowledging how thin the fabric is. She immediately looks at Pelle, feeling embarassed. He just laughs and pulls her bag from underneath the bed. 

-Your clothes and your white dress are in here. We are still wearing our summer garments for the time being. I'll go now, as it is your wish to be alone, and I don't want to upset the May Queen. - He stands up and bows as he finishes the sentence, and then he leaves the house without looking back. 

She opens her bag to find a folded sheet of paper on top of her clothes. It's a drawing of her as May Queen, and there is a sentence at the bottom. It says "Välkommen hem", whatever that means.  
Hell, she knows what it means.  
It means "Welcome home".


End file.
